The Ins and Outs in the Life of a Tortoise

My work in development is intrinsically link with the work of my charachter and personal life. In the end, we all work with the aim of achieving happiness. Our reason for work is the pursuit of happiness. Ironic then when our work makes us unhappy, but we stay because we are scared, or we think the things our salary buys will make us happy.

I think I believe I can be happy when I am content with who I am as a person and with the meaning I find in life. My character and personality are the things that can bring me joy. Mostly, people think the power that money gives them will make them happy, so they pursue money, even if the goal of the money is undefined. How does money buy happiness?

Besides work and money, we also pursue other avenues that might make us feel good, not just good in general (adventure, toys, fun) but good about ourselves. Study could be one of these things. Yet the predominant tool that the majority of people on this planet use to feel happy about themselves is romantic relationships and marriage. The sex is obvious, how the triple pleasure of body, power and intimacy gives a happy-boost is understandable. Yet, to ensure longer term happiness finding a ‘life-partner’ seem to be one of the non-negotiables. Many people need a spouse or partner to make them feel good about themselves. This person chose me, for them I am the greatest, etc; they cannot risk being single or alone in fear of feeling bad in that loneliness. Being alone for most is frightful because of the fear that we feel bad about ourselves, so you pick someone and hope they make you feel better about yourself.

For me the opposite rings true. Being just me facing only myself in the mirror feels safe and I am happy with who I am. In a relationship I don’t see the chance to become happy with myself. Rather I experience the risk of being made unhappy with myself, for it is the only vulnerable place where I am open to be hurt or not feel good about myself. Funny, where most find safety, I find vulnerability. Vulnerability can be good, even if it is not nice. To give someone the power to heal or hurt you is a terrifying act indeed, and requires trust and wisdom. Most people have a blind faith and trust and that works for them.

I find that my insecurities and fear determines the way I think about a myriad of small things, and it determines how I make big decisions of how far to open the door of my heart; on various levels. Daily I struggle with the conflict between my critical mind that calls me naive and stupid and my imaginative mind that loves to believe and dream. I hope I never make people unsure about themselves and I hope my choices do not hurt the very people that I wanted to experience my love.

Enough to drive a person into a life of solitude! To pull back into my shell and feel safe, or to walk on and take some knocks, scratches and wounds? So often I am faced with the emotions that confuse this decision. Will I be a brave little tortoise or will I continue my typical behaviour of retraction?

Maiwe.

– What are these ramblings doing on a blog about development? Simple, before we are developed and undeveloped or educated or uneducated, rich or poor; we are above all human. Humans with much in common. Before I am a Human Resource or team member, I am a human, a person. Our developmental efforts should make us better people, stronger and happier. Many things affect this, and being open about tricky things is normally good. Shared humanity and frailty.

– The issue at hand speaks to my blog title: Who needs who? Often when I am frustrated I say: “I dont need this”, but perhaps we do need the things we dont need. Maybe I need exactly what I dont want, maybe I need that which tests my self-image, that which pushes my reaction to rejection and begs of my unselfishness to go another mile… Also in relationships it is not easy to answer: “Who needs who?”

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